For some reason, whenever I get in front of one of my mirrors I tend to contemplate myself, and my life. Something as simple as wondering if I look good enough can turn into wondering if I've chosen the right career path. I told Vonny this a bit ago, but I think the reason why I dread uni so much is because I'm not sure if I've chosen the right thing to do. I remember back in year 9 or 10 or whatever it was, I had so many goals, and ambitions. I think when you get out of high school you're just expected to know what career you want to get into, and...I don't think I know yet. 

A part of me does want to teach, but there's so many other things I really want to do as well, and it turns out that a lot of those things aren't too different to the things I wanted to do mid-high school. I also think that I may be more passionate about some of the other things than I am about teaching, aaand, I think..that I might have known that before I decided to go ahead with my education degree. 

So, the question is, why on earth did I choose to do educaton? 

I think a part of it was due to circumstance. The uai I got wasn't adequate enough to get me into commerce, or into pyschology. Two things that I would've loved to do, but couldn't. Actually, no, I lie. Another thing I wanted to do was design, which I could have done at a college. Part of my choice then is also because of who I am. I'm safe. I'm afraid of not getting a stable job, of not succeeding, and of just sucking in general. I don't think I have the confidence in myself to follow a crazy ass dream, or the means to do it really. I don't have the money to try again if I fail, I don't think I have the time to keep trying, and I don't think I have the strength frankly. Also, arghhh, this is going to sound psychotic, but a slight part of my choice to do education was because of Roger. He's an even bigger dreamer than I am, and I think he's more likely to chase his than I am, and if we were going to be together I felt that at least one of us had to have a stable income. He's actually really into me following my own dreams though, but I don't know, like I said, I'm safe. 

I'm sure you can see now why I ended up at education. I had the uai, I'm assured a job and a stable income, and really, I think I'd enjoy teaching. I'm not happy though. 

I wish I could make a change, and even as I'm typing this I'm thinking 'it's too late, it's too late', and I hate that. I wish I was braver. Or just plain crazy!

Even with all these doubts though, a little part of me thinks I could do it, which is probably why I still harbour my dreams in the first place. I suppose now it's just a matter of how much I'm able to push myself to do it. We'll see. Let's hope for the best! 

Love.

xx