It's disappointing when you realise how much people DON'T know you, or how you feel, or what hurts.

Or maybe they just don't care. =D

It's times like this when I remember why I love being a hermit so much.

fall-back.

xx

Sometimes,

it's hard for me to muster up the energy to be a good friend.

I've been blogging a lot lately. More to myself, because I haven't been publishing anything. I think I should probably move to a private blog.

We'll see.

xx

But yeah, realisticly, maybe it was the best way to get rejected from the job. Because in my head, I truly believe I could've done better. But in another sense, I just can't believe that in all the times I decide not to read off a sheet of paper with all the info right there for me, it was when it counted. LOL. I think that eats at me a little bit. It's so sad as well, because I think I would truly be unhappy if I DID get the job. =/ But I just can't believe how whacked out my brain went. All I can say though, is that this is a good learning experience. Although, it does make me worry about becoming a teacher. Once again. But don't worry, I'm just transferring my doubt into another area which I'm unsure about, which I do a lot when I feel like I let myself down.

But you know what. This was the best case scenario. I still have my freedom, and I don't have to stress out every time I reach for the phone to call someone. =P Next time, I think I'll go for something I actually enjoy. I think that'd inspire me to do better. =]

Sigh, I'm glad I got that off my chest.

Anyway, I have to make money some way, so FINALLY, I am vowing to myself that by friday night, I will have cleaned out my closet and listed all the decent items on eBay, and the items that I no longer wear that I don't think will sell, will go to charity. If you guys want something from the 'I don't think I'll sell it on eBay pile', I'll give it to you for free. Okalies?

Done!

xx

Gmail is so annoying. I signed up for it yesterday. Previously I used my hotmail account as my google account...so now every time I sign into Gmail, I get logged out of blogger. Massive pain. It's like how my uni email changed and we had to sign out of our hotmail accounts to sign into our uni ones. grrrr. I'm just a sucker for convenience.

Tomorrow my family is heading to a buffet to celebrate my sister's 30th birthday. Well, it was on the 6th, but she just came back from the U.S. [I didn't even get her to buy me anything. arghhhhh], so we're heading out tomorrow. I am so damn excited. I never eat as much as I think I will though, which is kind of disappointing. For my wallet I mean, not so much my waistband, hahah.

You know what's kind of sad about facebook? Seeing people you used to be close with having a tonne of fun without you. lol. That's really an egocentric kind of way to think, but you know, it's sad sometimes knowing people have developed a life without you and they're totally having fun with it. Not that I don't like my life. I'm actually quite comfy with how things have worked out, but it's always sad knowing that friendships kind of die like that. I do claim responsibility for letting some of them fade away like that though. I'm just sentimental.

I was looking up whether or not you could send food in the mail. Yeah I know, seems kind of weird. Apparently you can though. WIN!

Okay. I just read through this post and it sounds so disjointed. lol. These are just some things that have been in my mind today. =D I think that's it though, so..

later terminators,

xx

So, I'm going on hiatus. =D

Um...I'll be back on the 9th of December. So if any of you can be bothered checking back, then sometime around that date should be fine. lol. Unless I suddenly refuel my burning desire to blog somehow before then. Hm..But I suppose that'll just be a pleasant surprise. Don't expect anything for certain though!

Holidays have been going quite slowly. I'm quickly getting sick of company once again, and I haven't even met up with anyone yet. I'm cracking down and focusing on the things that I want to do, and that's actually starting to come along. Sort of. I'm getting pen to paper and actually doing something though, so that's quite nice.

I'm thinking of taking a break from the world and staying with my sister for awhile [Realisticly, she probably won't let me though. lol]. Okay, so that's not really a break from the world, but I need a break from people I usually converse with at least. I just don't like being able to reached all the time, and like, being paranoid about people coming to visit me when I don't want to go on outings with them. I don't know, just the thought of catching up with people and being asked all the 'so, what have you been doing with your life' type questions makes me want to head desk. Urgh. Probably because my life is probably the most simple and unexciting life you'll probably ever come across, so finding a response to those questions beyond 'nothing really', is quite an uncomfortable task.

I sound like I've gone nuts, but like any great commitment phobe;

I need space.

xx

P.S. Haven't bought anything on eBay since the 1st of November. Well on my way to saving money. Hooray.

I know I've been asking you about friendship a LOT lately. But it's something that makes me really curious, because there seems to be so many unspoken rules about the whole thing that makes it so complicated. Particularly when it comes to detaching yourself from a friendship. How long after you haven't spoken do you consider yourself no longer friends? or acquaintances? This is really hard when it comes to people you knew in high school. When I think about my high school group [not including Sarah, who I still cling to for dear life], I NEVER talk to them anymore. like, ever. We only ever talk on b'days and that's just to send a txt and facebook message saying happy birthday. So what are they? because even though I was close to them once, I'm definitely not now. If I had to classify them I'd say they were acquaintances. Hm..

but how long before you stop inviting them to things like birthday parties? When I was planning my party this year I really had to think about who I should include and exclude, and I didn't invite them even though I invited them last year. And even if I did, would it be weird to invite someone you haven't spoken to in months purely because of something that used to be there? Or should you invite them to 'catch up'? Ah, confusing stuff..

Dude, I need to cut down on the thinking. It's making my blog serious. [Seriously emo that is. LOL].

Nah, in all honesty though, life is going pretty well now. And today was my last day of actual uni, so I'm happy. =]

Weeeee.

xx

I think the worst people you can ask for relationship advice is someone like me, who I think is pretty jaded. I like to throw out really stupid lines sometimes, like so:

It tends to happen with clothes, and music for me mostly. I just think 'I kind of really like that...' and then i discover someone doesn't like it so much, then internally I'm in panic mode and all '...crap. is there something wrong with me?! maybe I'm just retarded. but I do like it!...maybe I don't. hm...maybe I was just delusional. Nah, I don't really like it. Kind of. Ish. Er...'

But who cares if no one likes what you like. It's like when I say I personally don't like things. Although I can be a bit deluded, I'm not to the point that I think people will stop doing something just because I don't like it. lol. So, why should I care what people think of me?

I honestly hate decisions, and choices. NEVER give me a choice, because I will always leave it up to you. Unless I actually want something, or if I'm 110% comfy. But otherwise, no. I really don't enjoy small talk because I don't like people asking me things like 'what's your favourite ___'. I don't have favourites. Favourites = judging. I tend to try to avoid that. I'm getting better at distinguishing things I like and don't like though..a lot of things used to just fall into 'it's alright'. It's like a safety net. lol. But I think I'm very slowly growing as a person. Or at least my sense of self is getting better at least. I think I've always kind of known who I am, it's just more...being comfortable with it.

I'm getting there.

Although, you know those situations where you say something about yourself, and it could totally be true, but then someone else says it, and it really cuts you? hm...just as an extreme-ish example, if you say "wow, I look so fat today", and a friend or something says "yeah, you do". Um...that'd hurt. Or at least catch you off guard. I dunno. I just think maybe it's because we're inclined to believe what people say about us, so it just hurts more than if you're reflecting on yourself. I got a bit off track. Anyway, Gurpie offhandedly said that other day "I'm retarded, you're retarded"...there was a context, but let's not go there.

But it made me really think how effed up I actually am and whether people really think I'm that messed up. But there's not really any point thinking about it really. I actually really like who I am.

I think I'm a nice, interesting and funny person. I can be grumpy, ranty, and emo, but it's all part of who I am. No one is all sunshine and rainbows, but I'm starting to feel like that on the inside, and that's what counts.

I wouldn't change myself if I had the choice. If you asked me that a couple of weeks ago, I probably would've given you a different answer.

Ah, how good it is to be content.

xx

P.S. I like the new Black Eyed Peas song - Meet Me Halfway. Which explains the title. And which sort of explains the blog. Because I usually don't like fergie. But I like her in this song. Which made me all "I can't believe I like her". Dude, I'm confusing. But the point is, I do like this song. Not that it matters anyway.

P.P.S. Lauren, I have a confession. I bought me some harem pants. You'll see them eventually. but I like them. XD I just figured in the spirit of this entry, now was the time to confess some questionable fashion purchases. HAHAHA.

P.P.P.S. I said 'like' so many fricken times in this post!!

Okay, that's enough.

I'm sure you all know I stalk fashion blogs, and I happened to stumble across this lovely person's blog one day. http://blushingambition.blogspot.com. I don't know what I like about it so much. But I think it's the combination of things that she blogs about - fashion, food, life, etc. and I like the level of openness and honesty in it as well. I actually realised that I enjoy it more than the exclusively fashion related blogs that I frequent.

That's the kind of blog that I want. I feel like my blog is really superficial sometimes, maybe because lately a lot of what I've been blogging about is what I buy. Hm...A lot more people I know in real life visit this blog than I actually thought. In a way it's actually kind of scary. And...also..it's strange when you go to tell them about something and they already know about it because they've read it here. It's quite difficult to know what to write about, and also consider what people actually want to read.

What would you want from my blog? Is there anything you'd like to know more about? Any questions?

I think it'd be really nice to hear what you think. =] And since I've taken to blogging everyday, I'm all for improvement!

Personally, I think I should just blog more about life in general. I think there are a lot of things that I feel I shouldn't really blog about though, so it makes it really difficult. I think I'll try to find a nice balance, because something I really feel compelled to talk to you all about quite a lot is relationships. I mean, not just mine, but in general as well. Hm...

Ah, I don't know. I remember back in the day I used to blog because I wanted to keep a record of my life. I wanted to remember. I think it's just Roger that knows how big of a deal that is to me, lol, but it's quite important to me to have these things in my life I guess.

Yes. I think I'll blog more about life. If I ever decide to read back on this in a couple years time, I don't really think I'd be as interested in what I bought as what kind of person I was like. Cringe inducing and all. [although I'm sure some of the clothes I buy can do that too...]. lol. I think balance between the things is the key. =]

Let's see how it all goes, hm?

xx

...don't be surprised if I blog again today. Considering I'm writing this at midnight. lol.

On a different note, I've been trying to dig up some of my old blogs and stuff, because I'm pretty sure I have a whole heap of them out in cyberspace somewhere. I found a couple of them, and seriously, even reading a few of the posts makes me want to crawl under a rock. XD If you think I'm angsty now, I was even worse a couple of years back. I know, the thought is scary. I used to be a lot more open and honest in my blog posts though. I mean, I still am, but I moderate what I say now I guess. Which is something everyone should be thankful for =P I used to be relentless about what I said.

Ahhh. It's cringe-worthy to think how crazy I was. Now you just get material things like where I go and what I buy. Oh, and the ultra rants about uni. Actually...maybe its because nothing overly dramatic happens now. Ah, the wonders of high school. Drama around every corner. Hm...I won't lie though. Life can still be pretty dramatic or whatever, but...I just have more sense now not to blog about things until I've slept on it. =]

By the way, of the 39 things I'm watching on eBay, I haven't bought any of them so far. Now there's only 17 on my watch list. Are you proud guys?! =D

Anywho, we'll talk more later.

xx

That damn vodafone incident. I can't message or make calls from my phone, to no fault of my own. The 'customer care' lady wasn't very nice about the whole thing, and suggested I just buy a new sim under my own name, since I couldn't remember who the hell bought it for me since this has been my sim since year 8 or something. Also, who the hell would remember an 'enquiry number' from that far back?! WHAT THE HELL IS AN ENQUIRY NUMBER ANYWAY! And why should I have to waste more money on a new sim when it's not my damn fault! But anyway, this all happened during my first uni break. I got all upset due to frustration and helplessness, and had all my 'i want to go godzilla on vodafone's ass' type thing. except possibly more violent. hahahah. I couldn't go to my lectures. I was a wreck. So I went home.

Home wasn't that great either. After ages my dad finally told me he's the one that bought it though, but after going apeshit at me for being upset over it. Who does that?! I mean, I know it's irrational for me to be so upset, but dude, I've had this number for yonks, I have messages in my sim that've been there for yonks, and seriously, I'm attached to it. I don't do well parting with things that are important to me. Particularly inanimate objects. As weird as that is. I think it's because of the sentimental value placed in them..

Sigh, anyway, this is not the point. I think I'm writing this in part ot rationalise my thoughts and to make sense of my way of thinking. But ever since this whole incident thing my confidence = nil. I'm doing the whole 'I really suck' thing, and it doesn't help that I'm annoyed at my own reaction and my own thoughts to the thing. I've been doing so well in the confidence front in uni as well. ish. But now I feel like I'm completely incompetent. I'm in helpless mode. Kinda like year12 maths when I just completely gave up after I had the whole thing with my maths teacher, who I still hate mind you. Yeah I'm a grudgey kind of person.

So yes. Task over my four day weekend:

Detach events outside my control from how I think about myself as a person.

Hopefully I feel tip top by monday, because I have another presentation to do, and as I discovered last semester, lack of confidence in an education presentation = death. You are your own ruiner, and I would never forgive myself if I screwed up another education presentation as badly as I did last sem. -__-

I think it's time ot rebuild my mental foundations. Let's start tomorrow morning. New day, new start. *fingers crossed*

xx

It's funny in a sad kind of way. The presentation topic was attribution theory of motivation, which is about what people attribute their sucess or failures to. 

I attribute this failure to lack of ability. Which in reality, is kind of the worst thing you can blame failure on. It's sad to know that you don't do well at something because you simply just suck at it, and that's me with presentations. 

Sometimes I do okay. I think today was a step backwards. Group presentations really frighten me. being directly compared to other people is not something I enjoy. My other presentations this semester have been individual, and I've done better in those. But...today was just really bad. I'm just really unhappy and disappointed and really thinking about how much I suck. Once again, another reason to ponder why on earth I'm becoming a teacher. Won't know my results til next week, but when you can't go up there without a sheet of paper, and when you talk fast and stumble over your shit, you can't expect something good. so I'm screwed. Even though it was a group presentation it's individually marked though. So...I guess a good thing is that I'm not dragging anyone down, but it's just really embarrassing how bad I am. 

I think it really devestates me when I do badly at stuff. Particularly if it's academic. I suppose that explains why I hate maths so much. But yeah. It's just really upsetting. 

I'm not looking for sympathy or advice or anything like that. I just needed to vent. 

I think at the moment I'm just really, really sad. 

Love much. 

xx

Anyway, we had to go back to my house because there was a get together thing going on, so Steven came along to that too. We were just hanging out in the backyard and talking some more. When he had to leave he kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug. and then he kissed my forehead. and then he actually kissed me. Inside my head I was kind of hoping he would too. And so I reciprocated. for a bit. then I was like, holy sheet, I have a bf, and tried to push him away. He was like 'fine, I'll stop' and went home, and then yeah, I decided I was gunna have to tell Roger. 

Then when I went back into my house I had to clean up all the party stuff and for some reason when I went into my room I was freaking out about ghosts and thinking about all these strange ghost banishing techniques and there was some weirdo holographic picture on my wall of chinese movie characters..

....

um, yeah, so like, my dreams are messed up. =] 

I looked up the whole dream meaning thing of cheating on your bf/gf though. lol. When I woke up I was like...'dude. what the hell is wrong with me'. and it turns out...if you dream about cheating on someone it's because you feel guilt in other areas of your life that may not have anything to do with your relationship at all. THANK GOD! I was like 'er....do I subconsciously like steven or something?!', but no, it makes sense. I'm really stressing out about this group presentation thing I have to do and I don't think I'm gunna do well and end up dragging everyone else's mark down and I feel bad for not starting it earlier. 

-_- 

I just needed to post this because I was freaking out hard. =D 

Time to hop back to my presentation. I need to send the guy my powerpoint slides by 6. ARGHH.

Later homies. 

xx

Sigh. Not happy Jan. 

And obviously not happy with myself either. 

xx

and not in the 'i've lost half my body weight' type way. 

you know, I don't think watching the biggest loser is motivating AT ALL. It just makes me feel bad and think 'oh, great. I'm gunna end up getting fat and being on the show one day'. IT'S NOT COOL! And when you see people dropping off weight like nuts in real life it's even more depressing. It's good for them. but when people who are like, size 10 are going to the gym and trying to lose weight, it's pretty damn retarded. 

But anyway, it's not like it's their fault. -_- I am how I am because of what I choose to do (or not do), and what i stick in my mouth. That's what's really sad. You know what's even worse? When you wish you were seriously sick for just a little while so you couldn't eat, or considering getting an eating disorder just 'cause that shit actually works! Now that is effing messed up. 

Don't worry. As if I'd actually do that anyway. If I can't motivate myself to stick to an exercise regime, what could possibly make me stick to a barfing routine? *eyeroll* 

I am a sad, sad person. 

But, I'm working on it. 

In the mean time, Mr. scales, let's be friends. 

xx

For some reason, whenever I get in front of one of my mirrors I tend to contemplate myself, and my life. Something as simple as wondering if I look good enough can turn into wondering if I've chosen the right career path. I told Vonny this a bit ago, but I think the reason why I dread uni so much is because I'm not sure if I've chosen the right thing to do. I remember back in year 9 or 10 or whatever it was, I had so many goals, and ambitions. I think when you get out of high school you're just expected to know what career you want to get into, and...I don't think I know yet. 

A part of me does want to teach, but there's so many other things I really want to do as well, and it turns out that a lot of those things aren't too different to the things I wanted to do mid-high school. I also think that I may be more passionate about some of the other things than I am about teaching, aaand, I think..that I might have known that before I decided to go ahead with my education degree. 

So, the question is, why on earth did I choose to do educaton? 

I think a part of it was due to circumstance. The uai I got wasn't adequate enough to get me into commerce, or into pyschology. Two things that I would've loved to do, but couldn't. Actually, no, I lie. Another thing I wanted to do was design, which I could have done at a college. Part of my choice then is also because of who I am. I'm safe. I'm afraid of not getting a stable job, of not succeeding, and of just sucking in general. I don't think I have the confidence in myself to follow a crazy ass dream, or the means to do it really. I don't have the money to try again if I fail, I don't think I have the time to keep trying, and I don't think I have the strength frankly. Also, arghhh, this is going to sound psychotic, but a slight part of my choice to do education was because of Roger. He's an even bigger dreamer than I am, and I think he's more likely to chase his than I am, and if we were going to be together I felt that at least one of us had to have a stable income. He's actually really into me following my own dreams though, but I don't know, like I said, I'm safe. 

I'm sure you can see now why I ended up at education. I had the uai, I'm assured a job and a stable income, and really, I think I'd enjoy teaching. I'm not happy though. 

I wish I could make a change, and even as I'm typing this I'm thinking 'it's too late, it's too late', and I hate that. I wish I was braver. Or just plain crazy!

Even with all these doubts though, a little part of me thinks I could do it, which is probably why I still harbour my dreams in the first place. I suppose now it's just a matter of how much I'm able to push myself to do it. We'll see. Let's hope for the best! 

Love.

xx