Often I think I take too much to heart, or take things too personally. It's like everytime something goes wrong in my life it's a personal attack on me, which in turn absolutely destroys any confidence or self belief that I may have accumulated until that point. My mental make up is extremely fragile I think. It's been improving though. Until today.
That damn vodafone incident. I can't message or make calls from my phone, to no fault of my own. The 'customer care' lady wasn't very nice about the whole thing, and suggested I just buy a new sim under my own name, since I couldn't remember who the hell bought it for me since this has been my sim since year 8 or something. Also, who the hell would remember an 'enquiry number' from that far back?! WHAT THE HELL IS AN ENQUIRY NUMBER ANYWAY! And why should I have to waste more money on a new sim when it's not my damn fault! But anyway, this all happened during my first uni break. I got all upset due to frustration and helplessness, and had all my 'i want to go godzilla on vodafone's ass' type thing. except possibly more violent. hahahah. I couldn't go to my lectures. I was a wreck. So I went home.
Home wasn't that great either. After ages my dad finally told me he's the one that bought it though, but after going apeshit at me for being upset over it. Who does that?! I mean, I know it's irrational for me to be so upset, but dude, I've had this number for yonks, I have messages in my sim that've been there for yonks, and seriously, I'm attached to it. I don't do well parting with things that are important to me. Particularly inanimate objects. As weird as that is. I think it's because of the sentimental value placed in them..
Sigh, anyway, this is not the point. I think I'm writing this in part ot rationalise my thoughts and to make sense of my way of thinking. But ever since this whole incident thing my confidence = nil. I'm doing the whole 'I really suck' thing, and it doesn't help that I'm annoyed at my own reaction and my own thoughts to the thing. I've been doing so well in the confidence front in uni as well. ish. But now I feel like I'm completely incompetent. I'm in helpless mode. Kinda like year12 maths when I just completely gave up after I had the whole thing with my maths teacher, who I still hate mind you. Yeah I'm a grudgey kind of person.
So yes. Task over my four day weekend:
Detach events outside my control from how I think about myself as a person.
Hopefully I feel tip top by monday, because I have another presentation to do, and as I discovered last semester, lack of confidence in an education presentation = death. You are your own ruiner, and I would never forgive myself if I screwed up another education presentation as badly as I did last sem. -__-
I think it's time ot rebuild my mental foundations. Let's start tomorrow morning. New day, new start. *fingers crossed*
xx
Labels: thoughts
